Saturday, April 23, 2005

daythought and nightcrawl
why do i want the things i do? i seem anti-directional in all ideas i have. i long for thepast, secretly, and it destroys my present. i strive to be elsewhere at all times as opposedto here. there are probably great things aboutthis town but i don't even want to uncover themas i am drawn elsewhere. i guess a big part ofthis whole de-railing thought train is per any healthy marriage, you need otherfriends and companions who can be close toyou, both in geographically and relationally, challenging you here and there but for themost part, loving and supporting you. we don't have that here and it hurts me and it hurts sarah, and i see it everyday. but again, maybe this is just another dumb-ass matt mckech move of wanting to be elsewhere. story of my life. we had a long talk today, though, and parts of it were hard and we both said things we didn't mean (not sure why that happens in life, but man, the mouth is a shit pipe so much of the time) but in the end it was good. some deep and hard realizations were mined out and we will continue to walk on. whatever happens, whether we are here or there, i only want us to be happy together. we lay ourselves outstretched, broken and tired. whatever you want God.

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