In The Heat Of The DayWait - isn't that expression supposed to be 'In The Heat Of The
Night'? Well, in today's case, it applies - seeing as it's 26 friggin' slimy
degrees out already and it's 9:59 am. Yipes.
Something about the heat makes everyone sort of slow down but
speed up at the same time. People get 'bat-shit' nuts in the heat. I
remember once, a few years back, I had a bit of a panic attack walking
home from the call centre. I had left work early due to an overage
that day and it was 2 PM around this time of year. The weather had
been decent and the day was nowhere near as hot when I walked to
work but on that walk home, I was a sloppy mess. The sun felt like
it was poking holes in my consciousness - eating my mind. By the time
I got to our apartment (which is up 3 floors), I felt like I was going
to die - literally. My pulse rate was like 144 or higher. Within a
few minutes of being in my relatively cool apartment, I was fine.
Normalcy restoreth.
This summer will be an interesting one. Sarah and I will have a lot of
time off together (although I'll still be working, somewhat) and we
have 5 weddings. Yeah. 5 weddings man. You don't know whether to
laugh or cry. Within that mix, though, I have a few goals I'd like to
share:
1. stay active
2. finish up my next musical project 'Zenith The Meadow'
3. hang on the porches of cottages with a cold bevvy in my hand
4. make fires at those same cottages
5. get back into creative writing and work on my long-lost book
6. eat chips
7. swim
8. watch movies (like
this one)
9. barbeque
10. play guitar, harmonica, drums, bass and piano
11. go to seedy rock shows and get inspired (like
this one)
12. stay in touch with friends and build into lives
13. be a better listener
I'm sure there are more...but that's a good enough start.
Help me with my list if you think of it.
Last Night At 'Phods
Zaphods was the scene of the crime. The crime? Passion of the highest
form. In attendance were
Square Corn,
Fisheye,
Olsonomics,
The Dox,
and many other ear-gazing listeners. The show was delightful and nice
to play in a realm where my eardrums didn't end the night in a
ringing, bleeding mess. The tones bounced around the room. Ice cold
Beau's Lugtread was poured and consumed.
On to Montreal for show #2 in 2 days with our good friends Dave Norris
& Local Ivan.
Back Under The Thumb of Northumberland Back in Port Hope - hangin' with Sarah (though she's mega busy
these days) and the wistful Luca who longs to be outdoors 24
and half hours a day. Unfortunately, she can't go out at night due
to mass amounts of foxes and the odd coyote in the region. Yep.
Country livin'.
It's a beautiful day outside - but it's a bit of a dark storm within.
I'm going to try and remedy that and take a walk downtown. The
odd time, I have bouts of anxiety that make me feel totally out
of control and on the verge of death. I've talked with many folks
about this over the years and luckily a listening doctor from Niagara
helped me to realize a simple fact - 'anxiety is almost always your
mind trying to make something small seem huge'. This kind, old
dutch man listened while I talked and also explained the notion of
'talking yourself down'. So sometimes - although some might think
I'm crazy - I need to talk to myself and help myself realize 'Hey -
it's okay. You're fine.' It's also important, when having an anxious
bout, to get out of whatever you're doing (i.e. taking a bathroom
break if you're at work, going to get a coffee, walking outside,
leaving the computer for a while, picking up a guitar, turning on
some music, etc.) - this pattern-break helps you to forget the
spiral that your thoughts were cascading into.
Today, I felt a little anxious earlier - but I feel better now. It
happened at lunch here at the caf at the private school I live at.
Sarah and I were going together and I usually follow her to a table
(like a lemming because I feel insecure about not being a teacher
and about being dressed casually when everyone else is in uniform)
and then I lost sight of her, and the caf was packed to the gills.
I felt myself getting instantly sweaty - not recognizing anyone I
could sit with. Luckily, she was getting some utensils and found
me and we sat together. Phew! In that anxious moment, I felt as
if everyone was staring at me, thinking 'what a moron'. The truth
is, though, in the packed state of the caf, probably 1 person out of
hundreds was looking at me because everyone was chatting and
powering down their pasta lunch due to the insane timeframe of
lunch. Truth can be elusive - the mind makes its own reality.
Time to go for a walk.
So Long, Capital City
Well - it's been something.
For the past month, I have been in Ottawa exclusively as a 'ringer'
to help my dad during the tumult of tax season. In that time, I
worked some serious 13-14 hour shifts, gave up luxuries like 'the
weekend', spent a lot of nights watching old Bruce Campbell movies
with my Campbell-obsessed brother, had a few pints on Elgin st,
met with some good friends, spent some time with the family, played
a little folk show at the Avant Garde while drinking Russian beer and
pounded out some serious T1 action. All in all, it's been a full month.
Heading back to Port Hope, I'll have to remind myself that we are
all nomads - never truly here nor there. Towns and cities are a
figment - a partial view of a whole piece that is missing from our
psyche. I believe that the concept of 'home' is not one that has to
do with geography - but one that is deeply rooted within our hearts
and souls. When you are truly 'home', you'll know.
Yeah, I've done stupid things. I've made mistakes. I've tread where
boys dare not with courage - but I've also stood by in fear and done
'bad' when the 'good' has stared me down. As I pluck out this post
on my parents clunky PC computer, staring out the window into
their well-hedged backyard, I realize that life is a series of
fuck-ups - and that if there is one thing that I'm very certain of -
it's that most of the time, I have no sweet fucking clue what I'm
doing. Anyone who says they know what they're doing is, in my
mind, a pretender.
So long, capital city.
Go home, now. Everyone.
