Monday, September 27, 2004

University campuses are a total blast from the past for me.
I even remember being newly living in Guelph, after having
received my piece of cardstock paper that supposedly
validates my life, and sitting in the computer lab watching
the sitcom that is university life.

You see it's all about the system. Whether we use the matter
that is lodged between our ears or not, we are walking paradoxes
like my brother Adam always talks about. We are trained
individuals. We are conformist revolutionaries. People don't
really use all that much critical thinking to gain a university
degree. What we do use to gain a life-validating piece of card
stock paper is money, alot of money, about half a decade,
a forest of trees in paper, natural resources (i.e. food, oxygen,
hydro, etc.) and another forest in toilet paper. If you're
prepared to use the aforementioned 5 things, you can get
yourself a degree at any University, most likely in North
America. You really don't need to think much.

Seems kinda odd, that 'not thinking' part. You'd think that
you'd...need to think...but you don't. If you figure out the system,
however, you can do well. So what is this system based on,
you ask? One thing really; whatever the professor/instructor
desires. Thinking is actually pretty much a gargantuan waste
of time. Thinking will actually slow down the process and
often stand between you and your potential degree. Figure
out the system, young padawan , and you will do just fine.

Keys to the System:

1. Usually a lot of 'office visits' to the prof/instructor to
let them know that you are 'interested' in the material.

2. Begging for extensions on almost every assignment
thrown your way (because really, you can't be expected
to hand things in on time with 5 courses! can you?)

3. If it's an Arts degree, generally a mammoth load of
bullshit on all major papers, filling space and boring the
prof so he/she will not be inclined to actually read your
work and assign you a general grade (usually a 74%).

4. If it's a Science degree, find the library and research
old tests and exams for your specific course and
assign these to memory. Tests are usually repeated
every few years.

5. Whatever the degree, do the following and you will not

SO remember, if you're in university, pumped for the
keggers and the socialite stunted utopia of being around
shiny, happy (rich) people, don't waste your time on
activities like research, buying textbooks or general
studying. It's all mostly common sense.

That was long. I guess being on the Brock campus has
made me a cranky old puss'n'boots. Cheers.


Thursday, September 23, 2004


It's my birthday and I'll shyste if I want to. What exactly is shysting? I think
it's when that pudding stuff just kinda falls out of your bum like the meat off a
hickory sauce smothered baby back rib. Very nice. And why exactly is it that we
are so dang attracted to the smell of our own bung when others are repulsed by
it? I mean, in all honesty, somedays a good dumping is more meaningful than the
largest spiritual epiphany known to man, and the post-mortem scent can often be
a thing of beauty.

So I'm 28 today, and feeling doesn't really enter into the equation. It's a beautiful
september today out there (which is the trend for this fall, nicer weather than all of
summer) and it's just seeming to feel like any other day. That is any other day,
without a BLING BLING job. A wise man once said to me 'Matt, ya know,
there will be a lot of pressure when you're first married for you to get on the
treadmill of industry, get a good job and start looking for houses and all that.
But I say take your time because ya know what the funny thing is about the
rat race? If you win the rat race, YOU'RE STILL A RAT'.

A good choice of words there. Hey Jon, if you're out there and you read this,
don't smoke too much doper in BC. That stuff will make ya go blind. Adam,
have fun at school and I hope one day that we will both be fortuitously
wealthy and able to have lifelong supplies of Sleemans Cream, Dark, Lager
and HoneyBrown in our fridges for the times we visit. Todd, where the hell
are you?

peace out.



Wednesday, September 15, 2004

so it's pretty late in the evening and I'm trying to figure out just
what the hell causes sarah to get so many migraines. the problem is
this world is filled with fucking phony quacks who are ex-real-estate
agents writing bullshit books for chapters about what teas one should
drink in conjunction with a bad headache. i eyed one book, in particular,
with sarah about 'migraine triggers' and a load of frigging good that did.
do you know how many so-called triggers were listed in that corn
flaking book? oh, only about 5 BILLION and all of them generic
bullshit just so some MS word using, couch potato-ing,
bud light drinking, whitehead popping, kaziff scratching,
cock GOBBLING, Doctor DICKLICK m.d. can make a few bucks on
an 'all-the-rage-medical-issue' that the corporate lackies
at StarFrucks and Chap(ped ass)ters will drop a trouser load
for.I KID YOU NOT! the triggers listed for migraines were anything from
'atmospheric pressure changes' to 'eating habits' to 'eating meat' to
'caffeine' to 'stress' to...oh...I don't know...fucking 'tectonic plate movement
whilst shitting'. It was totally useless. An excercise in the utmost of futility.
SO there. I hope that was as interesting as it was annoying and dickitching
to write.

St. Catharines is a sleepy, sleepy slumberland of southern ontario where
people don't seem to want to even take off their 'night-night' jammies
to even respond to my job applications. Jeepers folks. Let's find some
kind of job here. People aren't meant to spend their later twenties drinking
pots of coffee, staring at walls and dreaming about being in a rockband.


Tuesday, September 14, 2004

WE be Blingin'.

It has been yet another month away from 'net-journaling' as I have been
insanely busy moving to the southernmost armpit of ontario...actually, it's
not really an armpit. It's nice down here, lot's of wineries and things of that
nature but I'm a little concerned about the job market.

And what the hell is with jobs anyways? Jobs. Hunh.

I have come to understand that the road to righteousness is slim and the
passers-thru are often few and there are even ones who forget what road
they're on while in the midst of the journey. Why are humans so ego-centric,
so narcissistic, so unoptimistically thwarted?

I'm waiting for coffee to brew. It's damn early and I can't even think of
anything remotely interesting to write.
Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of this dingaling thing.
I'll end with a quote of a guy friend helping another guy friend who is troubled
and woed by the world of female relations, as the former friend decides to
'set-up' the latter friend in hopes that just being near someone female will
inspire him and help him to forget his sorrow:

"Go out with you?! All I'm tryin to do is to get someone to play
with your ding dong."');">

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