Saturday, April 23, 2005

daythought and nightcrawl
why do i want the things i do? i seem anti-directional in all ideas i have. i long for thepast, secretly, and it destroys my present. i strive to be elsewhere at all times as opposedto here. there are probably great things aboutthis town but i don't even want to uncover themas i am drawn elsewhere. i guess a big part ofthis whole de-railing thought train is per any healthy marriage, you need otherfriends and companions who can be close toyou, both in geographically and relationally, challenging you here and there but for themost part, loving and supporting you. we don't have that here and it hurts me and it hurts sarah, and i see it everyday. but again, maybe this is just another dumb-ass matt mckech move of wanting to be elsewhere. story of my life. we had a long talk today, though, and parts of it were hard and we both said things we didn't mean (not sure why that happens in life, but man, the mouth is a shit pipe so much of the time) but in the end it was good. some deep and hard realizations were mined out and we will continue to walk on. whatever happens, whether we are here or there, i only want us to be happy together. we lay ourselves outstretched, broken and tired. whatever you want God.

Monday, April 18, 2005

in honour of 'Fast' Eddie
Where do we go when the things that irk us and boil our
blood just keep on piling higher until we feel like we're
Popeye and 'can't stands no more'? After having a blessed
time in Guelph last night, my beloved car (Fast Ed) began
giving me a real hassle on the way home. Fine on the
highways but chuggin' and sputterin' ceaselessly during
any city driving almost to the point of the engine cutting
out. This gave me a thought.

I would love to put 'er in neutral and shove 'er off the
escarpment somewhere into a quarry and watch 'er die
a slow death.

But alas, I cannot do this, for I need a car and so does Sarah
no matter how shitfull it is. And man, me and Fast Ed, we've
been thru alot together. I can't forget that. He has taken me
many places in a short amount of time. So Ed, if this is the
end, I just want you to know...I love you man. I never wanted
it to end this way're just really pissing me off.

Word up to all the homies, wherever you are, and raise a
glass for the old boy, would ya?

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

I don't really know where I am today. My brain and heart
are going in two different directions. I found out my grandma
died yesterday. She was one of the most amazing people I
have ever known. I think it's mostly because she lived near
to 90 years of a life uncompromised in her actions
towards her family, friends and strangers. She gave 120
percent of the time and never thought otherwise. Her life
can only be seen as a mirror reflection of the way Jesus lived
when He walked the earth. Sure, she had her faults, I'm not
blind. But if people think that a relationship with the One
True God is a joke or a myth, then my grandma was the
biggest fool of all because she dedicated her every moment
of time to that end. But alas, I knew her and I know she was
not a fool. You could see it in her smile, her welcoming heart
and her love of serving and giving to others.
And so last night, in the late hours after my midnight shift,
I enjoyed a pint of guinness in her remembrance with a
colleague and friend from work. It just made me think and
realize how every finite moment that we are given on this
earth is a blessing, rather than a curse. Every sunrise,
every coffee, every waking stretch, every struggle, every
breath. It is all gain. Goin back to Ottawa soon, I think.

Thanks Grandma for all you showed me and gave me. I'm
gonna miss you alot and I know alot of other people will too.
But I'm glad you didn't suffer and that you didn't have to spend
too much time away from the home on Linden Terrace that you
loved so much. I know I'll see you again. I know I'm
gonna miss you more than I do right now, and probably be sad
about you being gone, but it hasn't fully hit me yet. Thank you
for the time I was 19 and you lent me 60 bucks so I could fly to
Kapuskasing and see a friend. I never told anyone about that and
I know you didn't either. But it was a moment we had, you and
me, late one night, in your kitchen, together. Thanks for who
you were. I'm glad Sarah and I got to see you in late february
when we were home. It's weird, because I had this note on my
hand all day yesterday reminding me to send you a postcard
that I had meant to send to you for over a year from when I
was last in Florida. I'm sorry I never sent it. But when I told
Adam about it, he just said he wasn't sure how much postage was
to heaven but that you'd probably get it. I'm sorry I wasn't
a better grandson, but I know you loved me as much all the
others anyways, because that's who you were. I love you
and I'll miss ya much. Bye. Matt

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