Wednesday, October 20, 2004

The Weebles, They Wobble But…

…Feel too overwhelmed to even make coffee.

I feel as if I’m on the cusp of a full blown intellectual and imaginative breakdown.
I think my age plays a part in this ominous reality because the truth is I’m old and getting older and there’s no road back. The ‘laminar flow’ that Gord speaks of in the Heksenketel video is draining out of me. The ebb only seems to bring forth motion sickness and this life some days can become a university class for which I was only ever interested in obtaining a passing grade. Coffee tastes the same and Sarah, yes she’s beautiful and ever-encouraging, but the pulse of shocking financial crudity throttles my every moment of rest. I think ‘shouldn’t I be doing more?’ or ‘what do people think of me?’ or ‘why don’t I have a job? poor me.’
But I guess all of us most go through this kind of insecure morale lowering at some point. On any given day, tens of thousands are dying in Rwanda, so I should look at what I have as opposed to what I don’t, right? Why am I generally viewed and perceived as a slacker by so many? Why can’t I be remembered for the good things I’ve done, and the lives God has touched through me, as opposed to the bad? Why can’t people who have hurt me and offended me just fess up and plain say they were wrong? I sound my barbaric yawp of frustration in one word. Fuck.
Don’t get me wrong. This is not depression, just sheer honesty, which is hard to come out with because it often looks like an infinite sadness when it is really just the shit that people are afraid to talk about. God is still working, I know, and though my even keel with the world has shifted in the last few years, and I feel a little more rooted in the soil and people and taxes that surround me, I’m still conscious of the spirit world and the understanding that through all things, God is real and working in me, leading me to a horizon of understanding that I cannot see yet.
But it’s hard to keep that understanding, that joy and that passion when I see so many people around dragging Jesus name into the dirt and falsifying His ‘going to the gas chamber for us 3 million times’ with a circle jerk of impotent, shiny happy ‘yay God’-sters. If Jesus were walking around this sad nation today, I think the first place He’d go would be the churches to grab a choke hold of 85% of the pastors and congregations out there and say ‘What the FUCK are you doing? Did you understand any fragment of what I said?’ But I don’t want to put any more words in his mouth because I’m a dumb ass human, just the same. I’m flawed, prideful, egotistical, arrogant and petty all in one breath.
Must keep trying, though, for it is the ‘try’ that makes us learn. I can’t give up. Throwing in the towel would make me just one more punk-ass sucker who burnt out as opposed to fading away. Here’s the rub; we all fade away. Like it or not, my life and your life in the grand scheme of all that’s happened so far amount to two things, basically – jack and shit, and jack left town. We think we’re all that but really…we ain’t. For ‘God gives grace to the humble and opposes the proud’ rings true in the heart of every sinner, saint and bridge troll. The sooner we realize how meaningless our panderings and meanderings are, the better we’ll be for just shutting the fuck up and doing it. Press on. Persevere. Continue. Progress. Push harder. Grind my teeth. Give it Ninety. Put some back into it. Strain. Clench. Extend. Keep on.

…Better go put the coffee on. Big day ahead.


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