Thursday, October 07, 2004


I’m going to be getting it right, save for some time.
I seem to waver in my strength to weakness ratio as a human. One day I’ll awake energized, prepped and ready to face the new challenges that resound like orchestral motion. The next day, I’m tired even from 10+ hours of sleep and just want to stay in bed on a cold, useless October day. The shifting of the weather fronts attracts more of my attention than personal contact or even my desire to look for jobs. I guess that’s because I somehow see God’s hand more in the weather than in most other things. My friend Steve was telling me that October is always a hard time for him mentally because it’s a ‘perspective’ time of year where you think about all the regrets and the ‘wishiwouldhaves’. Hang in there, Stever. You’ve got what it takes.

Sometimes I think about the old days of sitting on the dock at camp with my friends who aren’t my friends anymore (well, some of them) due to the changing of the social tide that is life. The iridescent algae glow in the wake of something new. Bridges burned at one point look to be now more like smoking stones as I move further away from a specific kind of living. Don’t get me wrong, I still have friends from camp because camp is a place where you make some of the best friends you’ll ever have. I still have buckets of friends from camp – 5 out of 8 groomsmen (including me) were at some point ‘camp’ folk. Living in the shire, smoking pipes and laughing gaily.

But now, these days, life looks a lot more like the mines of Moriah or the Dimwalt road. Scary and unknown – untread. I come undone. The things we leave behind will often make us stronger and grow us in God or in (whatever you choose to believe) yourself and show us all is not so hopeless just because we’re getting older. But the friends I have been with in this life, the Jons of Aurora who I can drink Lakeport honey piss with and be myself completely with in honesty and truth, the Adams who I haven’t always been so close to but am now and appreciate them more in diversity each moment for the ways in which they challenge me and show real love and knowledge, the Steves who will always be there no matter what shit goes down, the Todds who I love dearly for their ability to make me laugh and spout wisdom, the Jeffs who care for me deeply and are standing by in all grace waiting to be a helper, and the Justins (plural) who swear, drink, live with my messiness (mental and physical) but underneath it all understand what it's all about…those are the goods.

And if we can walk the line, knowing that there is some weird spiritual shit goin above our heads while being planted firmly in the temporal soil and rock that is beneath us, maybe we can get it right.


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