From January to September, the light lasts a little longer each day.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
So Go The Days Of Our Lives
This summer is a minefield of activity, and in the same breath, it
is a slow ghost. The weeks have been passing by and I've been too
dang pre-occupied to get on this here blog. I feel like I'm just putting
in time when I write on here.
Fuck it.
These past few weeks and days have been chundering. Sputtering.
Stalled but moving. Is that possible? I played 2 songs at a local
songwriters showcase in Cobourg (to see if I could get into the
Shelter Valley Folk Fest for a spot on the main stage) and I wasn't
selected. The judges went with a girl (who already won the contest
a few years ago) and two other guys who were more poppy and
upbeat than me. The contest is supposed to be about songwriting
and I cannot for the life of me tell you what any 3 of them wrote
their songs about. Oh wait - I remember now; love. Because
that's what every overdone bullshit song is this universe is about.
It sounds petty to say it but I know I was among the top 2 in
songwriting and lyricism at that competition. People smile
politely and say 'Ah well. Try again next year!' What can you
do when you know you rightfully should have won?
Anyways, I'm getting a little whiny. I was selected to be a part of
the 10 so I guess I should take that as an honour and chalk it all
up to experience.
Sometimes, we need to get sick. We need to lay low and take stock
of everything around us and survey our fears. I have a huge need to
be liked by other people and a lot of the time, it drives what I do. I
weigh a lot of decisions through the filter of what I think someone else's
thoughts might be.
I've also always had trouble with money. I've never really been able
to get ahead in life and even where I've made plenty of money, I've had
to rely on getting help from others to get by. I've never been a self-made
financial guy and I think it definitely reflects in my confidence at times.
I also have some repressed thoughts and for the past few years, I've been
trying to figure out a lot of things in life. I still believe in community and
the power of gathering together with like-minded and offsetting folks, but
I don't know how that is supposed to look these days. I still believe there
is a Force guiding us and loving us but I can't seem to see that being played
out in a live setting.
I want to be a better person. I want to love my friends and family but
I also don't want to be so concerned about what they think that I hold
myself back from reaching potential.
Lately, I've been getting this premonition that I don't belong. I don't fit.
Sometimes in life, the waves flow by and you catch one, hold on for
dear life and make it back to the harbour. Other times, the waves pass
you in succession letting you know that it's not your time to stay.
I need to go. I need to leave. I've never felt more certain about anything
in my life. And yes - it's taken me 34 years to feel this certain but truly,
my heart is on the road.
I need to live in different places. I need to move around. I need to meet
new people constantly. I can't stay in one place or I get stagnant and
complacent.
Easy Flow
It all flows by so quickly, this season that we call summer. We aim to
do new things and make lists and clean - but it never gets done. We
are slaves to the clock and the clock wins every time.
I spent some time in Kingston recently with some good friends. In
this life, we are constantly re-arranging our values and losing grip on
all that we once held dear. I used to love hanging out with people - and
lots of different people. I'm finding as I grow, though, that I have less
energy for moronic folks who take, take and take and never give.
I like my Kingston friends - and yet, in the same breath, I have other
friends in Kingston who I have to prod, poke and pester to get to do
anything or take two steps outside of their domiciles for 5 minutes.
I think I've become 'damaged goods' for some folks or 'high risk' for
those who want to play it safe. 'Stay away from McKechnie - he's a
wild card'.
Sports Guy
Through some emails between my brother and my cousins, I have
been dubbed as 'sports guy' due to the number of weekly activities
that I have going on that revolve around the playing of sport. On
Sundays, I play a grueling session of Ultimate Frisbee that requires
you to run for almost an hour and a half straight (2 40 minute halves).
On Mondays, I play on a lob ball softball team. On Tuesdays or
Wednesdays, I try to play tennis against a local friend and get good
and sweaty for an hour or more. On the days off (Thurs - Sat), I try
to use to workout gym here at the school for some cardio and
weights.
I don't know if it really has any impact on my physique but I sure do
feel good and sleep a lot better these days. The mixture of exertion and
steady sunshine seems to be good for the heart and the soul. There's
something childlike about playing sports for me. Basketball in my
driveway, intermingled with some serious snow football, were common
trappings of my youth. Now, as we all get older, it's harder and harder
to find people to play sports with. People have kids - and just
generally get lazy.
As you can see from my sullen surroundings, all is calm here at
TCS for the moment. It's strange living on the campus of a private
school in the summertime - when there is no school or students to
be found. It becomes a bit of a pastoral landscape. I need to get
out and experience it more.
I haven't thought, for many summers now, that it has actually felt
like summer. This summer, however, has had all the trappings of
a great season of green fields, dancing leaves and perfect
temperature. The slow rising breezes. The stillness and the very
slight heat. The clouds that have no desire to anything else but
hang in the blue backdrop. Birds that soar for hours on end and
seem to be singing songs of contentment.
Tonight, I am blogging from the great outdoors. I believe that
nature is something that has been placed into our lives to help us
escape - to help us get outside of our own brain spaces. Tonight,
I write from the guts with a goblet of cabernet. I raise my chalice
(and I really am raising it as I type) to this summer.
One More Spin Around The Sun
Despite the hardships and the problems, when someone's birthday comes
around, it's time to throw bygones to the curbs and celebrate another
year of kickin' around this ball of dirt.
Sarah's birthday is today and it started with some blueberry pancakes,
a super-cheese-rific Shania Twain singing card and some tennis.
Later today, a bonfire will be had and friends will be invited.
If you're near the Northumberland region, come on by, won't ya?
Celebrate with us.
Driving The Bus
Jerome Bettis. The bus. He will always be a Ram in my mind.
I used to go to school with this guy named Russ. Russ played a lot
of Command and Conquer (Red Alert - the only version) and hung
out with people when he wanted but also shut himself in quite a bit -
but whatever the case, he seemed content.
People used to call him 'the bus' and he used to always say 'When
you have the keys to the bus, there's no need to hurry'. I like that
philosophy that Russ prescribed to - he didn't rush for anyone
except himself and he didn't waste time trying to please others.
He did what made him happy.
Sometimes, we all need to learn to drive the bus a bit more.
