Sunday, January 09, 2011

Quark Hunters

My friend Brad Huskins used to study a book for his high science
degree called 'Hunting Of The Quark'. It always intrigued me though
Brad assured me that once cresting the opening pages, I would be
turned off science forever. In a totally dummified way, I later
learned that quarks are one of the smallest elements of matter...
or something geeky like that. The most intriguing thing about
quarks though (from an artistic perspective) is the fact that they
are too small to be viewed as a group within a hadron.

Some days, I feel like a quark hunter - looking for something tiny
and elusive in a giant vat of messy life. Other days, I don't really
care what I'm looking for and I'm just trying to make myself fall
asleep so that I'm not wiped out the next day. I get a lot of sleep
anxiety - it's a strange form of anxiety that only arises when I am
ready for bed. I wake up 15 minutes after falling asleep and I
feel shaky everywhere. The shakiness usually leaves after a few
minutes of being awake but it's still annoying as hell. I think some
of it arises of a fear of losing control - when I sleep, I have no
control over my environment.

Most of the time, though, I think I search for belonging. I spend
a lot of time making others feel welcome. I've spent many years
listening to other people's problems and having people tell me
'how good I am at listening' and that I should go into counseling.
But only some people see that side. Others see a vindictive and
selfish sack who lives to please himself and do what he wants.

Whatever your quarks are, I pray that you may find them.

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