Sunday, January 12, 2014

The Leaving And The Mountain

Today, I experienced some changes that are going to impact the rest of my life in a profound way.

I am going to be getting a divorce.

And although this is ultimately a good thing, it is still difficult terrain to navigate through.

But I'm tired of bullshit. I'm tired of masking words. I'm tired of appearing to have all of the answers. I'm tired of being loosely affiliated with a strange network of sometimes judgmental Christians who check in on me from some invisible, internet space of cowardice and then tell a friend that they are 'concerned' about me.

It goes without saying that if you care about me and love me, you'll pop into my life and actually say something to my face.

The bottom line is that I wasn't happy and severely depressed in my marriage for a long time, and for many years, I didn't have the strength or the will to do anything about it. I wanted everything to work itself out naturally and I compartmentalized a lot of heinous shit. Long discussions led to frustration and an ultimate, choking sense of misunderstanding.

And after a long and cathartic conversation with my ex-wife today, I realized something; although we felt it at different stages, we are both in total agreement that we did not pursue the things that made us happy individually while we were together.

Instead of pursuing happiness or fulfillment, we spent so much time worrying about each other.

But thankfully, over time, the people who really cared about me and loved me emerged, and made themselves known to let me know the truth about myself and their desire to see me in a happy or at least semi-fulfilled state.

To those people - thank you.

Those bright people are my friends - not the invisible judgers. The latter can go fuck themselves.

To the awake - come along, won't you? The road is long and at times, the night is ever-dark but the fruit of the journey is worth the tumult. The sleepers will live their complacent lives of slovenly slumber and there is nothing we can do to rouse them.

I have done the 'things' in this life. I have traveled to Nicaragua, Mexico and the US. I have been lucky enough to form friendships with real life rock stars who I can call or text at any moment. I have written and had articles published through various publications across Canada and the USA. I have traveled across the country playing my own original music. I have interviewed famous film and music celebrities from all over North America. I have created 8 original albums of music and a few more with other bands. I have friends who bless me and who enrich my life - and a family of dynamite, dynamic and genuine folks in my corner.

Whatever happens, I can turn down the shades with a full heart and a sober mind.

I have nothing to prove and a galaxy of beats with which to groove.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's done.

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