Better To Pass Boldly
Tonight, life is alright.
I have ice and whiskey in my glass, a warm bed, a good feeling from my favourite hockey team winning, comfortable clothes, food in my belly, and I feel like I'm getting back to the core of who I am.
Lately, I've had a few bouts with anxiety and that creepy, multi-headed monster does a good job of throwing smoke and mirrors my way and making me feel like I'm losing my grip on reality.
But I think I've come to discover the beauty of anxiety - the all-too familiar rush and gut-worm-like onset of the feeling is now recognizable and in the end, it helps you to sense almost more than you are capable of sensing.
It sends our neurons into action and every breath and every moment feels like an eternity - but in a way, that's a beautiful thing in small doses.
So often, we go through this life with blinders on. We don't take in our surroundings and we move on faster than a bullet train, bouncing from experience to experience, but never really reflecting.
But the best thing about anxiety is this; it's fake.
It's not real and it's conjured out of the subconscious and it never stays very long. Eventually, once we learn to break the cycle, say a prayer, talk to a friend, do some deep breathing, go for a walk and get out of the loop or pattern that we find ourselves stuck within, we break the spell.
FACT:
You are going to keep breathing. Your body will actually do it for you.
You are going to get through it.
And ultimately, everything is going to be alright.
My life has changed dramatically in the past seven months. In some ways, I don't even know who I've become but I'm enjoying the ride of this life and I'm taking in what I can while I can. I was once a shell of a man who lived a darkened depressed existence in a place I didn't want to be.
But I've found me again.
And truly, and ultimately, I'm still me; a guy who loves to laugh, loves people, music, writing, sports and the creation of community.
I'm going out to the Rocky Mountains for a week to meet a few people I've been working with/writing for and I'm looking forward to a change of scenery. I truly am. I remember the rockies and my first drive through them and the enchantment that came with that. There is something wide open and strange about Western Canada, and can't wait to reshape my memories into actuality.
In this life, we have no guarantees.
You must go where you can, while you can.
