Sunday, January 15, 2012

Wanting To Feel

I really miss my grandma. I feel that without her in my life, I'm missing a lot of spiritual navigation these days. She was the one who grounded everything. She was the one who brought my father into being who later made me.

She was the one who made me feel everything.

This life is an emotionally and spiritually bankrupt one, at times. I just finished watching the golden globes and though there were some people admonished, on a pearly, glittery stage who I really desire, I kept asking myself; "Is this it? Is this what all of us want?"

What the tract of land that we so desire to perch upon? Where does it rest in those seas of mysteries? Where does it reside in the skies of the great divide?

A friend of mine told me about her grandmother tonight. Some idiot told her that her grandma died and had no soul and that nothing would become of her eternity.

What a shitty, decrepit and ethereally bereft thought. And what an asshole to say such a thing.

How can we think that we have rights or ranks to supersede other people in what they believe and in what comforts them in the darkest nights? We are all working at it the only way we know how on this spinning, floundering, careening ball of mud.

My grandma just made sense. She knew God. And I'd like to think I know Him, too - in fact, I know I do. The One she spoke of loved everyone. The One she spoke of poured light and life into neighbours, widows, cellmates, hangers-on, hobos, artists and all people within its immediate vicinity.

And my grandma emanated those attributes. She was light. She was life. She was joy in a very immediate sense.

She loved to entertain and discuss. She loved to read the bible.

She once gave me 60 bucks so I could fly somewhere and visit a girl I liked to see if it could work out.
I was 19 - that was over a decade ago.

As we sat in her kitchen and I told her the deal, she said 'Well ya know Matt, you're a good kid. You're not on drugs or out screwing around so yeah - I'll lend you the money."

As she worked her way through the oggled logic of her loving mind, it somehow made perfect sense. She respected my dream and my desire.

She was really something.

We dance our way through this ridiculous maze and we only know how to spin, move, intermingle and intermix to the music and the beat that is being played.

I'm trying out this Journalism thing, and I hope it leads to something promising and career-oriented...

But my heart will always be with my grandma. She had a way of speaking into my life that no one else embodied. She was tender, understanding but firm when she needed to be.

Some people get replaced - and some never do -

But some continue to exist in our actions.

In our thoughts.

In our words.

In our love.

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