This morning, I walked to school with a lighter head. The clouds seemed to break open, if only for a moment, and get torn apart by a sun fighting to reach me. The lightness of the barely frigid air comforted me as I didn't even need to wear gloves for the first time all winter.
I've been in a bit of a spiritual funk lately, but it seems as if I'm emerging from the smoke.
I've been watching a lot of Rescue Me lately and in many ways, I'm a lot like Tommy Gavin. I stay strong for others and I gain strength from being a figure of solidarity. Underneath, though, I have my demons. I have a lot of secrets but then again, who doesn't? I like whiskey, too, but I don't drink nearly as much as he does.
I have a theory that secrets can sometimes can provide strength and allow me to learn how to deal with issues on my own and without the need of others.
In other ways, I'm learning to let go of some of the ones I once held dear. This year has been incestuous, in the sense that I spend most of time, days, hours and weeks with the same people, but in another sense, I am building a portfolio and a network of people who want to work hard, write hard and get a lot of information out into the public sector. There are some good people, here, and I've dug the lot of them.
Friends are a weird beast. Those days when you laugh, live and love with them are the days that you could never imagine being without their presence. But when they go, sometimes very suddenly and with no explanation, you feel a tinge of sadness, but you regroup and journey on.
Sometimes friends aren't really friends - and it takes time and distance and meditation to see and understand that truth.
For a long time, I put everything under the umbrella of this special property. This property had (and in some ways still has) a vibrant community of young and old people and I made many connections through there.
But as much as I love that property and that community, it's a very ethereal and almost angelic place. It's romantic. It's star-soaked. It's luster-filled. It's a little bit magical.
But it's also not really real, at times.
Well, at least, not real for me.
But that's okay. There is a time and a season for all things. These days, I'm focusing on an end goal. I'm very, and admittedly, self-absorbed these days but I have to be to get to the next step. I'm honing my craft. I'm working out the kinks.
I'm working on me.
It's getting brighter, out there.
