I've never seen the aforementioned film by PT Anderson (starring the
incredibly talented Philip Baker Hall) but from what I've read, the term
'hard eight' refers to a bad roll of the dice in the game of craps. This fall
has seemed to be somewhat of a hard eight for me and as much as I don't
believe in luck, sometimes, it seems that you're meant to go through what
you're going through. Still though - the game presents a tough table:
Doubt. Anxiety. Frustration. Angst. Loneliness. A feeling of constantly
being misunderstood.
It's all there.
I find myself less and less motivated to meet new people, make
connections, promote my own music or really just make anything work.
I want to watch tv on the internet and piss the day away. I want to drink
instead of interacting on a real level with others. I want to throw away
what I have and start new.
I guess an upside of all of this is the fact that I don't feel like ending it
all. I really actually do want to see how it all pans out - even if it's a
depressing or unsatifying ending. I have a desire to see the plot unfold.
So that's good.
We need to give thanks in these times for family, friends and the drivers
that keep us on the course to see how it all comes out in the wash. I've
been blessed to have a lot of good folks in my life. I'm going to start
making efforts to let them know how special they all are.
Hard eight or not - the dice gotta roll.
