Friday, May 08, 2015

Early To Rise

Sometimes, God wakes you up to tell you things that you wouldn't have known if you were sleeping. Life can be too important for sleep at certain times, and this is absolutely one of those moments.

I played a show in Calgary last night at the Blues Can with Ali. The show was momentous. It reminded me of many good things in this life. An amazing culmination of friends from the Cowtown corridor collided and came together. There was a crew of different friends of mine who showed up - my old childhood pal Chris Wing (who I made rap tapes with), my new friend Joel (who has become a mainstay in only two years), my old Camp IAWAH pals Adam and Rob, my new friend Jenn, and my Ottawa ultimate frisbee buddy Kendra and her tall boyfriend Jacob. None of them know each other that much, but they came to show their support for me, and they (plus a few guests of their own) helped fill the room at the venue. Ali and I wailed. I felt more in my element than I have in any show. I was loose. I was limber.

And I did have a few drinks.

I slept for a few hours at my Rob and Jody's place, but I woke up this morning like a lightning rod (after only about three hours of sleep) bolt awake, and I felt my heart racing. I think it's something anxiety related that happens from time to time, because after I wake up and calm down and focus on deep breathing, my heart rate goes back down. This event seemed to last a little longer, and I was on all fours, just relaxing myself, and breathing.

After these moments, where nothing and everything seems to happen all at once, I always look at things a little more clearly. The smell of Rob and Jody's basement that seems so familiar. The feel of my toes on their carpet. A crisp but thin layer of snow on the Chestermere grass. Yes - snow in May.

And here as I type this, trekking across the country, I realize that I am a passenger on a much larger ship. I don't know how long the journey will last - but all I know is that one of my jobs is to report on the view, and to hope that others will somehow find some meaning and comfort in my words. I hope they can learn from my mistakes, and see that I have loved and lost. And won. And been scared. And sad. And worried. And hurt. And happy. And immensely overjoyed. And thankful. So fucking thankful.

And I realized today that anxiety, health, worry, concern, stress - it's all part of the package. And if we step back from it, and see it for what it is, it adds to the excitement of our vessel's journey.

My blog-friend Dave (otherwise known as the Square Corner) recently said some wise words to me when I wrote about anxiety: "What shrinks the most, as you get to be as old as the Square Corner, is time--the past and the future. If the past years move quicker and quicker, then how fast will the future go? Maybe that's where the most excitement comes from, that downward rollercoaster ride. The wind against your skin; the heart beating faster. It happens, I know. But why do so few of us realize it. That is where the most excitement lies, in that downward rush before the end. Don't block your eyes, or control the beating heart. Feel the rush now before time unwinds and you have known nothing."

Well said, Dave. Feel the rush.

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