To Find A Friend
"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead."
-Bukowski
I had a conversation last night that cut through the cotton core of the usual chit-chat, banter and everything else that we come across in our usual tepid talk-lives. In this conversation, fears were addressed and self-admitted insecurities, worries and failures surfaced, and deep-wrought tears of support and release were exchanged. Although we can often spend time talking about nothing and laughing about feral cat noises, once in a while, Mand and I will cut through to the core of something deeper. She has become a spiritual mainstay in my life, and I am truly thankful for her presence. Even though she is much younger than I, and physically many leagues and miles away, we are fairly well connected - and it is a conversation I won't soon forget.
So often, even with the people we would consider our closest friends, we are afraid to be vulnerable. It's a shame. We've been taught to think that crying is a step backwards - toward childhood - when it is actually a needed impasse to vault over to get to the next zenith. We need that release, but we fight against it. We are afraid to get emotional, and just let our regrets and our worries and our silly self-inflictions fly out into the air - because once they are out there, there is no retraction. No one wants to look stupid - we humans have this tendency to want to appear completely together. We are afraid that our shit will, in fact, stink.
Well here's the truth - we are all stupid. Nobody knows what the fuck they want - there are just many people out there who are better at faking it than others.
But when entering down the road of honesty, and cut-the-shit openness, we will often find many fellow journeyers to tag along with us. We have believed the lie that we are alone in our struggles, and that we must, at all costs, just keep on truckin' with a smile on our faces and a spring in our steps.
I'm thankful for best and close friends, and emotion, and honesty. I'm thankful for Mand. May you find release today in the company of a loved one. They'll probably understand more than you know.
