That song by Arcade Fire has been raging in my bones for a while now,
like a record needle stuck in the groove of that phrase, and I've been
thinking about the altruism of that sentence.
My old friends - they don't know me now.
In the days of our late teens to mid twenties, idealism runs rampant.
We feel indestructible and unbeatable in our thoughts, our morals, our
beliefs and our dreams. We think about the old friends who we have
lost touch with and the joy it would be to re-connect. But growing older
and getting into the 30 zone, as Douglas Coupland says, our glass
of water basically gets full and our cups runneth over with memories,
desires, lost dreams, lost wages, debts, joy and discernment.
I used to think that I met everyone for a reason and that any
relationship was salvageable. Now, I'm not so sure about that. There
are things I went through in St Catharines - alone - with just mostly
myself - that I can never relate to others. There are things that I had
to push through and glass ceilings I had to break in order to get to
where I am now.
Demons I had to fight.
And though where I am right now, currently, is not an amazing place,
there are truly very very few - maybe not even another soul - who can
say that they truly know me. I am a shape-shifter. I only dive in as
deep as others feel comfortable and barely ever put myself at risk -
and yet, in the same thought, I have been that deep-pusher for many
and I have been the one to get others to open up about themselves.
People have told me things that they have told to no one else. I am a
vault.
But there is no vault for me. There is no other 'life companion' who I
feel comfortable telling everything to. I can't do it. And maybe that's
a curse, but maybe it's how I need to be. There are certain things that
I will take to the grave - things that no one else will ever know.
As a man who appears to have a million friends, I truly have none
who I can bare all of myself to - I spend a lot of time alone.
Perhaps it's where I am most comfortable.
My old friends.
They don't know me now.
