Back in Port Hope - hangin' with Sarah (though she's mega busy
these days) and the wistful Luca who longs to be outdoors 24
and half hours a day. Unfortunately, she can't go out at night due
to mass amounts of foxes and the odd coyote in the region. Yep.
Country livin'.
It's a beautiful day outside - but it's a bit of a dark storm within.
I'm going to try and remedy that and take a walk downtown. The
odd time, I have bouts of anxiety that make me feel totally out
of control and on the verge of death. I've talked with many folks
about this over the years and luckily a listening doctor from Niagara
helped me to realize a simple fact - 'anxiety is almost always your
mind trying to make something small seem huge'. This kind, old
dutch man listened while I talked and also explained the notion of
'talking yourself down'. So sometimes - although some might think
I'm crazy - I need to talk to myself and help myself realize 'Hey -
it's okay. You're fine.' It's also important, when having an anxious
bout, to get out of whatever you're doing (i.e. taking a bathroom
break if you're at work, going to get a coffee, walking outside,
leaving the computer for a while, picking up a guitar, turning on
some music, etc.) - this pattern-break helps you to forget the
spiral that your thoughts were cascading into.
Today, I felt a little anxious earlier - but I feel better now. It
happened at lunch here at the caf at the private school I live at.
Sarah and I were going together and I usually follow her to a table
(like a lemming because I feel insecure about not being a teacher
and about being dressed casually when everyone else is in uniform)
and then I lost sight of her, and the caf was packed to the gills.
I felt myself getting instantly sweaty - not recognizing anyone I
could sit with. Luckily, she was getting some utensils and found
me and we sat together. Phew! In that anxious moment, I felt as
if everyone was staring at me, thinking 'what a moron'. The truth
is, though, in the packed state of the caf, probably 1 person out of
hundreds was looking at me because everyone was chatting and
powering down their pasta lunch due to the insane timeframe of
lunch. Truth can be elusive - the mind makes its own reality.
Time to go for a walk.
