The Low And The Unguided
It's not a state that I love talking about, because I am a pretty social and fairly positive person, but I've been entering the waters of extreme loneliness lately. Venturing out into a new town, and finding a new place to hang your coat and hat seems easy enough for a road warrior - but after all the chaos and excited friends welcoming me and moving boxes and the trips and the coffees and sleeping halfway between Ottawa and Kemptville, I've been forced to spend a lot of time alone. With just me. And the dark autumn nights. Autumn is a season that I know is important for my being - but it also represents the oncoming change. The hunkering down. The dealing.
Maybe it has to do with the seasons but at times, even when I'm in big groups, I can be on a distant island in my mind. I relate to that Matt Mays song so well. Physically close but so far away from the joy that is taking place around me. I can some days even feel like a prisoner in my own body. I've been acutely aware of my own consciousness - almost to a fault. Every action and reaction becomes internally analyzed. I ask myself why I perform the most basic human functions. Like laugh. Or ask dumb questions. Or pretend to hear someone when I didn't. Or smile.
I've had days where I feel like all I want to do is cry and be held. For a few hours. And not in a romantic way. Just by someone. Anyone. Anyone who is warm and who cares and is there to say that they are with me and proud of what I'm doing with my life and that we all go through the low tides before the sea breaks.
I think I'm just tired out and a bit run down on many levels. I need a break. I'm in a spiritual funk. I need a soul massage. I'm unguided and melancholy. I miss my grandma. She always had a way of listening to me and seeing the real me. I feel a tad lost. And it's okay to be where I am, and to admit that. We all have our own shit, and it's okay to admit it.
Because I'm entering adulthood. And maybe I've been here for a while and I didn't realize it. And I've been around long enough to know that happiness is not a switch. Real happiness is a state that comes to those who truly struggle and wrestle and fight.
Fight with me. I'll fight with ya.
