The Maker
I remember cold nights. Long and dark. Time drew out like blades
from sheaths. My basement apartment in Guelph was not giving me
much comfort. The bright red, musty smelling carpet never felt right
under my feet. Everything seemed alright...and yet it didn't all at the
same time. I didn't really feel right...about anything. It was somewhat
like an aching in your body but you can't really specify a joint or a
specific region. It was everywhere. The lights went off in my room but
the fires in my brain were lit and roaring.
I had a phone conversation with two of my closest friends the next
day. I told them I was tired. I was tired of wading in and out of the
water but never really submerging myself. I was tired of knowing the
answers in my head but not really knowing them in my heart.
"I rose from my bed with a thundering unrest and sat at my poorly lit desk.
The book that had not been opened for so long was finally cracked. The
spine of it creaked. I can still smell the pages. That papery, lacquery
aroma. The words jumped off the page and applied directly to me, no
matter where I looked.
And there You were.
All that time.
Never gone.
Just waiting for me."
Words fall short of all that I want to say to You. I remember walking
the streets of Guelph and vividly hearing You speak. Once, when I
was about to make a stupid decision, I wasn't sure what to do. My
heart and mind were twisted together in a massive battle. I woke up in
the middle of the night and heard a voice say 'No'.
I remember horsefly mountain....just being there with You. So peaceful
and so real. No one else. Just You and me. I wondered why everyone
couldn't have it that good.
Since those days, times have changed. At times, I've definitely forgotten
about You but then You usually showed up. I've found it harder to see
You. It's almost as if I hear You've been somewhere and then I arrive a
few minutes later...like the Pokaroo. I get really pissed off that You're
invisible and that You haven't shown Yourself to more people...but then
I remember it was me who decided to seek You out.
I made the choice.
I took the Indiana Jones step across the seemingly empty chasm.
I have this feeling that You were so close and so real for a while and that
as I've grown up, You've distanced yourself...maybe so I don't get hooked
on a feeling...and so I remember the truth...and so I remember what I know.
Help me to look for You.
Help me to think less of me and more of the others around me.
Help me to see You in all things and all seasons.
Thanks for never leaving.
Your love far outweighs my greatest concept of the word 'love'.
But I'll say it anyways...because it's all I can do.
I love you.
Yawheh.
Dad.
Maker.
Oh, oh deep water, black and cold like the night
I stand with arms wide open,
I've run a twisted line
I'm a stranger in the eyes of the Maker
I could not see for the fog in my eyes
I could not feel for the fear in my life
And from across the great divide,
In the distance I saw a light
Jean Baptiste's walking to me with the Maker
My body is bent and broken by long and dangerous sleep
I can't work the fields of Abraham and turn my head away
I'm not a stranger in the hands of the Maker
Brother John, have you seen the homeless daughters
Standing there with broken wings
I have seen the flaming swords
there over east of eden
Burning in the eyes of the Maker
Burning in the eyes of the Maker
Burning in the eyes of the Maker...
Oh, river rise from your sleep...
-Daniel Lanois
