Years
Something is happening. And I really do feel it tonight, and I've felt it for the last few months. I am changing. I am going through a shift. For over a year, I didn't touch this thing. I let it sit. I let the cracks form in the mud of my thoughts. And I got soft. Sure - I've been focusing on music and pushing hard, and being dad-like and all that - but I have not let myself go in the universe of the words. I haven't let the thoughts fly and just written for the sake of fucking writing and hammering the thoughts into the frame of consciousness. And acceptance. And belief. And grace.
I've wanted to compartmentalize. I think I've wanted to believe that that is okay. To move past a section or a phase of life, like a divorce, or a lost friendship, and wall it off forever. And feel like you're becoming new. Morphing. But eventually, the strongest walls come down. Storms come. Floods wash out neighbourhoods. And you need to deal. I haven't been dealing. I've had a ton of spiritual shit happening all around me. So much beauty. So much goodness. And it has floored me in a new way. I feel emotional and happy and ready to be who I am. I'm tired of fighting myself. And living in doubt.
I think I've always wanted to pursue a lifelong career. Something that I could hang my hat on, and get benefits from, and tell people at dinner parties 'this is what I do'.
But that's not me, and at 42, I don't think that will ever be me. And I think my ability to adapt and change and grow is truly one of my greatest strengths. I want to learn. I want to keep learning, and I never want that to stop. I am so in love with life, and I'm tired of masking that. I want to stay true to my heart, and relay stories and experiences with other people and hear how it made them grow.
I am so god damned thankful that every day I get to wake up and know that I helped, even in a small mathematical way, to bring another human into this life. Fuck. It's the most mind blowing/consciousness-altering event you could ever imagine.
The beauty of that, and of this growing daughter - if I let it, is an ever-rushing well within me that can rise up and flood me with emotion. And sometimes, and even tonight, that happens. And it is a tad overwhelming - but there is beauty in the letting go. Emotion - especially when it's raw and uncorked - is our body letting go of the bad shit. The alchemical process continues, even when we attempt to resist it and push it down.
We see the bad stories. We read the news. The world is in chaos. The shit is piling. All around us. Greed poisons many, and bloodshed and brutality is everywhere. Horrific truth. And there is a leaning that wants us to believe that all humans are evil. There is a voice that tells us that. But if we really look at the truth - and hold the candle to our experiences and quiet the voices - we see the needle firing so much in the opposite direction. We see a thousand candles lighting up from the power of ours. People are fucking good and wholesome. Humans crave happiness, and unconditional love. And we want others to be happy and to be fulfilled. There are givers and helpers everywhere. We just have to look for them.
I want my life to be about love. And I need to remember that.
Thank you for this moment tonight.
All who are here and gone.
