Autumn Tones 3
My head swirled in a way it hadn't before. Things that comforted me
while falling asleep wouldn't do the trick. I was up plenty early that
day and had buckets of exercise, walking to and from campus (a 4k
trek from my basement pad on Cedar St) several times.
But I was restless within.
My mind raced through old sermons from the Presbyterian church
that stiffened me and my brother, my parents, heaven and hell,
a billion other belief systems and religions...and I felt overwhelmed.
I got up and turned on my bedside light. I sat at my desk for a bit,
in the corner of the room, just contemplating. It was 3:30 am and
I had turned in at about 11:30. On my desk, oddly enough, was the
bible that I still have today - black and bound by fake leather of
some kind with my name inscribed in gold cursive on the bottom
right cover.
For some reason, I opened it and flipped to the book of James. I
can't exactly recall how or why I turned the pages to that destination -
it just happened. And I read about putting one's faith into
action and how faith without deeds is dead. The words seemed
to apply directly to me. If I call myself a Christian and was
raised to believe that and I've experienced a sense of God being
with me - why am I not acting out my beliefs? Essentially, I was
wading in and out of people's lives with no effect. I was spiritually
stung.
That night, some weeks later (in a cabin with Steve), I awoke to
Steve's soft voice beckoning me. 'Matt - guy - Matt...' I had
fallen asleep with my sleeping bag totally open and the frosty
October night had dropped in temperature like a stone. 'Guy -
I am FREEZING!! Are you actually asleep?' Steve asked,
half-screaming, half-chattering. I then remarked to Steve that
I did sleep but that my one eye-ball, that wasn't against the
pillow felt like a solid ball of ice crammed into my eye socket.
We gathered up our things, shaking and yawning all the while,
and headed for the staff quarters and crashed in the lounge.
We awoke the next morning to different staff dudes like Dave
Dixon and Justin Paisley walking through the lounge and
commenting on our 'sissy-ness'. Steve defended us in a nice
manner but I'm pretty sure I used expletives and tried to
keep sleeping.
It was sunday morning.
